I believe…
Lord you created me. And I believe you created me for marriage. I don’t know the timeline, but I’m asking you to fulfill my desire to be married.
Thank you Lord for this strong desire you’ve placed in my heart. Thank you that you’ve already been where I’m headed and that you know what my future holds. Thank you for marriage and for my future mate. Please be with him and prepare His heart to do your will.
Have Faith … Change is Never Easy
This is a letter.. that I wrote to a blog friend and I want to remember what I said to her because hopefully when I’m having a rough time I’ll be able to look back on this and remember to keep the faith.
Jaclyn…
Let me tell you a little story about a girl, a girl who 3 1/2 years ago took a new job to start a new chapter in her life. A girl who’d lost 109 lbs and for the first time in her life despite loosing many of her friends felt like herself, her best self! For the first time in my life, I was dating someone I loved, was creating a relationship with God, blessed with the best family I could imagine, and so happy. Fast forward a year and I’d been laid off, was struggling to figure out what I should do and registering to go back to school for nursing. Fast forward six months and despite transitioning through change I would be thrown another curve ball in the form of Cancer. My Dad, the cancer and the journey was something I’d never thought I’d live through especially while making less money, going to school and trying to make sense of everything including my own life. After a 10 month battle we lost my Dad. To say I was devastated would be the understatement of a lifetime. I did things that I thought I’d never do and tried to find comfort in things I knew in my heart were wrong. After six months of struggling through the grief, figuring out a new normal, and finishing the last pre-req class for the RN Program. I started over and four months after that as I started to finally feel like a version of myself that I recognized someone who would smile as a response instead of cry. I was accepted into the RN Program. Then the really anxiety began as I’ve taken tests, prepared with shots and classes. I realized that I couldn’t keep my house (afford to make the payments), and I needed a place to live. In the past few weeks, less than a month before the nursing program is due to start. I have leased out my home to an elderly couple looking to live closer to their kids and grandkids. Last weekend I had a sale for everything I own. This week I’ve been packing up all my belongings left from the sale and donating anything that I don’t think will fit at my Mom’s and starting over. I turned in my letter of resignation at a full time job that I didn’t enjoy, but I’ve never not worked full time, because I’ve never gone to college full time. I’m terrified. I am getting ready to finish up my last week of working full time and starting a new part time job as I start full time Nursing school. I need to hit the books asap, yet I need to get moved to Mom’s first. Take a deep breathe and enjoy the change… I found this quote and I think it fits exactly what I’ve been going through in the past six months…
“This was when I learned that you have to give up your life as you know it to get a new one: that sometimes you need to let go of everything you’re clinging to and start over, whether because you’ve outgrown it or because it’s not working anymore, or because it was wrong for you in the first place.”
~Kelly Cutrone
What I really want you to know is I’m praying for you. I also want you to know that you are not alone. God has a plan for both of us. The journey is what shapes us into the women that God meant for us to be. Fear not because you and I, we were wonderfully made by our Creator. Even though God’s plan is not our plan. God doesn’t give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we’ve been given.
Love Always…
MandyJo
If I ever …
Okay I admit I grabbed this off of twitter from Kelly Stamps but…
If I ever have a baby… I’m so getting this onesie! I know that I’m going to need it.
Sorry I haven’t written. After being accepted into Nursing School, I’ve been trying to rent out my house & find a part time job & study. I’m so nervous about being able to rent out my house and also find a part time job. Yikes it’s stressful. I will write soon!
MJ
Wednesday – April 20, 2011
Good Afternoon Folks,
I am grabbing a quick protein shake for lunch today. I wanted to put up a blog post to let you know why I’ve been M.I.A.
Let’s see I’ve been working out, dating, getting accepted to nursing school, talking about a single lady bible study for church, volunteering, working, and in general just have been so busy. I am going to do my best to compose a few posts and set them up to post on a daily basis. I am trying to get so many things in line I just don’t know how I am getting everything done at this point. Plus I am going to have to start studying for school! I am so excited to start school, can you tell? I have orientation next week! What a blessing! I applied for financial aid today! Say some prayers for me please – that God will show me the direction I should be going in that department.
‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.’ – Proverbs 3:5-6
Thanks so much for all your support!
Guess What?
I got my acceptance letter for Nursing School! I have orientation starting in a little over 2 weeks! WHOO HOO!
Sorry this is so short, but honestly I have so much to do!
Tootles Lovelies!
Insight
Insight…
Following up from my blog post called ‘Confessions of Mandy Jo‘ I wanted to write about an experience I had on Monday. As my Mom was leaving for her cruise earlier in March, she had a close friend who’s husband passed away. This lady’s name is Glorianne. Glorianne plays bells with my Mom at our church and is just such a sweet lady. She and the entire bell choir have been and are so supportive of my Mom before, during, and after Dad passed away. Since my Mom was going to be out of town for quite a while I thought it would be nice to do something for Glorianne as she’d been so great to my Mom. I thought about going to the funeral for her husband. Honestly the more I thought about it with the past week being so tough, I knew I couldn’t make it through a service. I’d be luck to make it into the church without bursting into tears. I’d just been so emotional and raw about my Dad in the past few weeks it just didn’t seem like the best choice. I thought about when Dad passed away and how for the first week or so everyone comes and brings food and sits with you, but then afterwards everyone is gone. So I waited. Then over the weekend I made my specialty, homemade turkey pot pie! I also made a little desert that I remember my Great Grandma making called Mountain Pie, except I made it with berries instead of apples or peaches. Yum! On Monday I called Glorianne and asked if I could bring over some food. She said that it would be lovely to see me! She is super sweet you know! I drove home from work that day, still fighting with my emotions. I went to the gym – not because I wanted to – but because I was hoping I would be able to get ahold of myself before I went to Glorianne’s house. I mean who goes over to someone’s house a complete wreck about their grief, when this poor sweet lady just lost her husband to cancer?
Guess what? I do… During my workout I burst into tears while I was running multiple times! I am sure the other gym goers thought I was half CRACKED!
Courtesy of Google Images
Which unbeknownst to them I am half cracked! HA! Although sometimes working out is an easier/healthier way to deal with grief than stuffing your face with Ben & Jerry’s or laying in your bed for days. I am trying to do things for myself that will help me deal and alot of times I end up a the gym, praying for God to heal me. Please God heal my heart, mind, body and soul. I made it through my work out and headed home to shower. I got dressed in sweats, because I’m super classy like that, and headed over to Glorianne’s house with the food.
Glorianne is such a gracious lady. She was smiling from ear to ear so happy to see me. I couldn’t help but grin.
Courtesy of Google Images
Glorianne was so impressed with the Mountain Pie, it’s simple but tasty. We each ate a piece, while chatting and watching Dancing with the Stars. Glorianne was right it’s a very happy show. We chatted about my Mom, her husband Richard, faith, my Dad, nursing school and her children. Then I asked her advice on what she thought when it came to the story of my friend at The W@lmarts? Here is where the pearl of wisdom comes in from a 78 year old lady who has so much more insight than I could ever imagine to hold. Glorianne said that everything that happens has a purpose. Even if we don’t see God’s plan he does have a plan for us. She pointed out that when people don’t experience loss, they often times have a hard time with others who have experienced loss or are experiencing loss. While she said she doesn’t think that God wanted to deny my prayers, Glorianne pointed out that God has plans for me. Plans that I will be able to reach out and help the next person who is experiencing loss. Just as God sent me my friend S, who lost her Dad at 21. Just as that night God sent me to Glorianne’s home so she could point out – how I helped her with her grief just by sitting, chatting, and being there. I had a light bulb moment:
Courtesy of Google Images.
God sent me to Glorianne’s because she needed someone to chat with in her time of grief. At the same time God allowed Glorianne to show me a side of my pain that I can learn from and help others. Thinking about the whole thing now – it shows me that there are bigger plans. There are things in motion in the grand scheme of life that allow me to see further down this path of mine. When I reached out to help someone in need, I was given a gift as well. I was able to see that even though I am experiencing a tough journey, that I am struggling through still. I am going to be able to help someone else. In fact as Glorianne said: “Sweetheart, you just made my day!” Sometimes being able to look at situations with new eyes, allows us to see past our grief. Now I am not going to try to tell you my grief has lessened, but it’s been easier to handle with the gift of insight that I was given.
Sometimes I think God knows when we need a little help and sends us angels. Or maybe … just maybe we’re the angel God is sending indeed.
Insight it’s a powerful thing.
Protected: Weight Loss Wednesdays – Feeling Overwhelmed?
Confessions of Mandy Jo
Sigh… I don’t have a really great way to start this post so I’m just going to say it.
Today I have been thinking alot about Dad. The fact that I miss him. The fact that I feel a little cheated because I didn’t have the chance to get married before he died. I didn’t have the chance to have Dad meet my Prince Charming. My Dad will never walk me down the isle. My Dad won’t come to the hospital when I have babies and hold them. He won’t be there smiling, just beaming with pride. He won’t chuckle and point out this feature or that one.
Courtesy of Google Images
As I type the words, my tears flow. The emotion flows from my mind and out through my fingertips onto the pages of this blog. Most days I feel so grateful for all the time I did have with Dad. Most days I feel blessed. It’s just today for some reason the PANG hit me. The grief hit me, like a punch in the stomach I just wasn’t aware was coming. I feel like being silent – letting the tears flow and just feeling the emotion. It’s quiet only the dishwasher is making any noise. I guess my sobs make a little noise and blowing my nose.
Courtesy of Google Images
It’s been 9 1/2 months since Dad died. Sometimes I feel sad that life goes on and I wonder if anyone else notices or misses him the way that I do. I wonder if anyone else wakes up and in those first few moments of waking up you don’t automatically remember what happened. Especially if I dreamt the night before about family times. I do that sometimes dream about when our family was whole. My sister and BIL rarely ever bring up Dad. I think my niece brings Dad up more than they do. My Mom will talk about him occasionally; but she gets upset, so it’s hard. I guess the fact that I’m on my own and I spend an hour each way to work doesn’t help matters for me. I haven’t felt this sad about it in a long time. In fact about a week ago I had dinner and a long chat with a friend of mine who also lost her Dad when she was 21. Different circumstances completely but it was nice to chat with her. It helped so much. I know that grief is a journey. A path that you don’t always want to go down, however when someone dies who is close to you the path that you were on changes. It’s like you wake up one day and the path it’s just not the one that you always saw yourself going down.
Courtesy of Google Images
Sometimes I think that the path is hard to see – it’s like everything has changed. So much 0f what used to be familiar, is familiar no more. The new path isn’t defined. There are twists and turns in this new path. The new path is harder to traverse and full of hardships.
I had an experience a few weeks back. I ran into a friend at The W@lMarts. I feel bad even blogging about this – but this is my place to VENT and deal with my emotions so again I’m confessing.
(Anyone who’d like to judge me get in line!)
I was grocery shopping with my Mom. It was a Sunday afternoon after I’d worked out. This friend’s Mom had been diagnosed with cancer about 4-6 months ago. When I found out I called and said if she needed to talk or wanted to vent to give me a call. That even if she wanted to sit in silence that was okay, because I know how cancer is so hard to deal with emotionally. The friend never returned my call. She never met me for coffee. I guess looking back now I don’t blame her. I mean really who wants to talk to the girl who’s Dad just died of cancer when the last thing you want is your family member to die. Sighs… Well it was good to see her and her daughter. She’d run into my Mom first and they were chatting when I came up. She was saying how her Mom was now cancer free. The chemotherapy had worked. She kept talking about how God answers all prayers. The moment I heard the phrase bubble out of her very happy lips. I shuddered. Slowly, I lost my mind. I went inside my own head. I didn’t talk. I just had that moment where I knew if I was going to keep it together that I needed to check out. I guess what hurt the most is she is standing there saying it over and over. Didn’t she realize that she is standing in front of two people who prayed and prayed for Dad to be healed. I mean from the day that Dad was diagnosed, we prayed. As she continuously went on and on about the disappearance of her Mom’s Tumor. The more I just fell silent. I guess her happiness didn’t allow for her to see this:
Courtesy of Google Images
The heart of a girl who isn’t healed yet. The heart of a girl that prayed for a miracle that was denied. The heart of a girl who watched for weeks as her Dad slowly died. The heart of a girl who now wonders what so many things would have been like had her Dad been here. I guess maybe people only think about what they want to think about. If they pray and their prayers are answered it’s a miracle and a blessing. What about my prayers? I mean is that suppose to mean that some prayers are better? There are so many different ways this discussion could turn out. However that is not a can of worms that I am willing to open tonight.
Courtesy of Google Images.
I guess in the grand scheme of things I have to remember that if my Dad had been saved or cured. I would have attributed it to the massive amounts of prayer by my friends and family. On the same hand, I refuse to believe that God wanted for my Dad to die. For him to be taken from us. I don’t believe that he ignored our prayers. I believe that God’s plan wasn’t my plan. I need to believe that God doesn’t ever mean for bad things to happen to us. However we all have free will and we all make decisions. I just hope that this situation with my grief and loss helps me to be more sensitive to others around me. I hope that it enables me to look past myself. I want to be the person that gives others the benefit of the doubt even if they hurt my feelings. Not because I want to be a good person, but because I don’t want to hurt others. I want to be compassionate in a world that often is filled with pain.
Courtesy of Google Images
Confessions of Mandy Jo…
